When I finally allowed my anti-blog resolve to dissipate from the already dense cloud of can'ts and shouldn'ts encasing my brain, I did so with a few firm conditions in place. The only hard & fast rule I truly sought to uphold: NOT to veer off into personal matters that could in any way be traced back to my chirpy, desperately-seeking-proof-that-having-a-strong-spiritual-practice-has-fixed-all-of-my-flaws-and-made-me-an-all-around-fabulous-person self. What is that saying? "We plan, God laughs?" Ah, yes. Why hello there, self--you appear a bit frayed around the edges and not as soulfully shiny as I was anticipating...it must be time to cop to some seriously un-blissful happenings.... (*le sigh*)
It is my hope that if nothing else, this post will serve as an invitation for forgiveness to anyone who has ever spent great gaping quantities of time making hot tracks along a path that they deem spiritual--only to stop by the side of the road to ponder the fact that they have unwittingly vaulted over someone whimpering by the side of the road. As much as I would love to say that my spiritual practice has dramatically altered my ways of functioning in the world and made me infinitely more sensitive to those around me, filled the gaps in my swiss cheese-like logic, and made me infinitely kinder and gentler and (dare I say?) almost downright saintly...honesty dictates that I admit that sometimes (most times) it just ain't so.
After two years of an almost daily yoga practice, I still struggle with:
-body image
-frequent comparison shopping-ironically much of which takes place from the supposedly sacred turf of my yoga mat.
-heaping spoonfuls of self-criticism with a yummy side of resentment at the very pedestrian nature of it all. (my insecurities aren't colorful enough!!! could it BEEEE??? please do not let it be true that I am merely ambling my way towards....AVERAGE!!!!)
-maintenance living days that are utterly devoid of inspiration.
-a rather expensive, ridiculous chemical dependency upon raw chocolate.
-a million other human foibles that I will decline to name in the interests of keeping this post from turning into a voluptuous Russian novel about yours truly.
Ok now....here is the moment where I refrain from using this post to pitch a complain-tent and attempt to venture off into something a smidge more productive and fabulous! You ready?!! eek.
Now that I've set myself up to expound on this topic in a potentially profound way, my Sassy Grand Highness of-a-revelation is feeling a bit soggy (self-critic, AWAY!) Potent, mind-altering and amazingly transformative though yoga may be, yoga alone does not a well-balanced meal make (errr...Yoda AWAY?! riddles begone!) Throughout life, I have had to "learn" the same lesson over and over again--anything that narrows my scope too much & boxes me too tightly is bound to stunt my growth and keep me mired in the addictions and obsessions of my smaller self.
Growing up, my Dad would always remind me "the only way out is through," and I've come to appreciate the wisdom of those words. The trick to all of this is that you can't make your way through using just one tool. Diversity is imperative--loving yoga and having a strong practice is pure deliciousness, but the true change emerges when I throw it in a blender with my other favorite ingredients: community building, creative writing, anthropology, quirky attempts at obscure dance moves, massage school, meditation, burlesque, etc. On the surface, stunningly simple; yet such lessons are hard learned when you have a tendency to obsess over the current pleasure of the moment. Whenever I find myself falling prey to this old comfort, I like to conjure up the (highly memorable) image of Lenny from Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men holding his pet mouse so tightly that he crushes it into a lifeless ball of fur. Grizzly perhaps, but I'm a big proponent of going for whatever works.
All of which is to say, (and I'm saying this to myself right now as much as anyone,) don't despair because your favorite Super Spiritual Practice Deluxe isn't working for you the way it once did--simply view it as the seductive beckoning of the universe to throw some more tasty morsels into your spiritual shopping cart. Nom nom!
