Dark Night of the Spiritual Shopping Cart...

When I finally allowed my anti-blog resolve to dissipate from the already dense cloud of can'ts and shouldn'ts encasing my brain, I did so with a few firm conditions in place. The only hard & fast rule I truly sought to uphold: NOT to veer off into personal matters that could in any way be traced back to my chirpy, desperately-seeking-proof-that-having-a-strong-spiritual-practice-has-fixed-all-of-my-flaws-and-made-me-an-all-around-fabulous-person self. What is that saying? "We plan, God laughs?" Ah, yes. Why hello there, self--you appear a bit frayed around the edges and not as soulfully shiny as I was anticipating...it must be time to cop to some seriously un-blissful happenings.... (*le sigh*)

It is my hope that if nothing else, this post will serve as an invitation for forgiveness to anyone who has ever spent great gaping quantities of time making hot tracks along a path that they deem spiritual--only to stop by the side of the road to ponder the fact that they have unwittingly vaulted over someone whimpering by the side of the road. As much as I would love to say that my spiritual practice has dramatically altered my ways of functioning in the world and made me infinitely more sensitive to those around me, filled the gaps in my swiss cheese-like logic, and made me infinitely kinder and gentler and (dare I say?) almost downright saintly...honesty dictates that I admit that sometimes (most times) it just ain't so. 

After two years of an almost daily yoga practice, I still struggle with:

-body image
-frequent comparison shopping-ironically much of which takes place from the supposedly sacred turf of my yoga mat.
-heaping spoonfuls of self-criticism with a yummy side of resentment at the very pedestrian nature of it all. (my insecurities aren't colorful enough!!! could it BEEEE??? please do not let it be true that I am merely ambling my way towards....AVERAGE!!!!)
-maintenance living days that are utterly devoid of inspiration.
-a rather expensive, ridiculous chemical dependency upon raw chocolate.
-a million other human foibles that I will decline to name in the interests of keeping this post from turning into a voluptuous Russian novel about yours truly.

Ok now....here is the moment where I refrain from using this post to pitch a complain-tent and attempt to venture off into something a smidge more productive and fabulous! You ready?!! eek.

Now that I've set myself up to expound on this topic in a potentially profound way, my Sassy Grand Highness of-a-revelation is feeling a bit soggy (self-critic, AWAY!) Potent,  mind-altering and amazingly transformative though yoga may be, yoga alone does not a well-balanced meal make (errr...Yoda AWAY?! riddles begone!) Throughout life, I have had to "learn" the same lesson over and over again--anything that narrows my scope too much & boxes me too tightly is bound to stunt my growth and keep me mired in the addictions and obsessions of my smaller self.

Growing up, my Dad would always remind me "the only way out is through," and I've come to appreciate the wisdom of those words. The trick to all of this is that you can't make your way through using just one tool.  Diversity is imperative--loving yoga and having a strong practice is pure deliciousness, but the true change emerges when I throw it in a blender with my other favorite ingredients: community building, creative writing, anthropology, quirky attempts at obscure dance moves, massage school, meditation, burlesque, etc. On the surface, stunningly simple; yet such lessons are hard learned when you have a tendency to obsess over the current pleasure of the moment. Whenever I find myself falling prey to this old comfort, I like to conjure up the (highly memorable) image of Lenny from Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men holding his pet mouse so tightly that he crushes it into a lifeless ball of fur. Grizzly perhaps, but I'm a big proponent of going for whatever works.


All of which is to say, (and I'm saying this to myself right now as much as anyone,) don't despair because your favorite Super Spiritual Practice Deluxe isn't working for you the way it once did--simply view it as the seductive beckoning of the universe to throw some more tasty morsels into your spiritual shopping cart. Nom nom!

Hatching my (speckled, sparkle-encrusted, slightly lopsided) yogic egg...

A few months ago, in a corporate establishment far away... lightening struck, the clouds bravely parted and took on the formation of fingerling potatoes, and a wild-haired blonde yogini found her voice... 

Naughty Bohemian Yoga, while far from being a universally marketable studio name (although I must confess, if it's going to fly anywhere, I reckon it will be in SF) was hatched all fuzzy and glimmering from the depths of my blessedly illogical brain on the eve of my departure from the corporate world. While waxing poetic to my coworker about my sweeping vision of the yoga studio that I hoped to own one day and the edgy, free-form, sassy, hyper-individualistic style that I was envisioning, I took a breath and then startled myself by blurting "y'know, like NAUGHTY BOHEMIAN yoga!!!!"


Although I think I was expecting a look of shock or horror to flicker across her face, my burning man vet comrade in all things artsy bobbed her head enthusiastically reassured me that it didn't sound frightening or sacrilegious or cosmically off-putting. Ah, the relief associated with knowing that you haven't managed to frighten anyone by 9am! And so, it was that I found a name for my own particular vision of what I what I had to offer to the universe.*

*A word on offerings: when you live in an amazing, swirling dragon-of-a-city like SF, it is easy to feel like the holistic health/yoga market is more than a smidge saturated. If you are anything like me, you wonder whether there is really any point in prancing your way out of yoga school with a few meager nuggets of sanskrit tucked away in your noggin' and midnight shopper yoga gear special (read: cheap) yoga attire, when there are SO many ridiculously talented teachers already providing yoga in a plethora of different languages, lineages, and musical orientations. AND THEN...you take a class with someone who does things dramatically differently...who really dares to peel back the outermost encasement of yoga rhetoric to show you something of him or herself that is so brave and real that you are utterly stunned & left without recourse but to acknowledge that you'd really better start teaching, because YOU and only you can make a fresh n' funky offering to the universe in just THAT way. *Ah, the joys of the run-on sentence!* I'm of the mind that the desire to teach yoga is in a sense a calling--if you feel it, you'd best believe that the universe needs it. 

BeCaUsE I aDoRe WoRdS (and aspire to choose them carefully...)

Naughty 

1.disobedient; mischievous 2. improper, tasteless, indecorous, or indecent.

3. Wicked; evil.

Mmm...all of this sounds exquisitely contrary and oh-so-very-yum, but the "naughty" I'm talking about means something more like: Frisky. Revolutionary. Wild-eyed. Complex & multi-faceted. Think: fewer rules & creativity on steroids. Nudging the boundaries gently with your toe, and then hopping right over the ones that seem a bit skewed or silly. 

Bohemian

1. a person, esp an artist or writer, who lives an unconventional life

Fairly accurate, but let's go deeper to extend membership to all outside-of-the-box thinkers, wild-eyed seekers, colorful, bold, passionate wanderers, intrepid explorers, lovers of life and pursuers of truth. For all of those with radiant energy & a yen for creation--whether or not they have found their tapestry. For those who long for something to fill them up; a non-human muse, a conglomeration of fiery, spirited, supportive souls uniting in service of a greater purpose.

Yoga

1. A Hindu discipline aimed at training the consciousness for a state of perfect spiritual insight and tranquillity.

2. A system of exercises practiced as part of this discipline to promote control of the body and mind.

"All of life is yoga"--Sri Aurobindo. Love this. Certainly, there is much spaciousness, delicious heat, empowering movement within the asana practice, but where is the value if we lose all of this the moment we step off of the mat? 'Tis better methinks to be a novice yogini with a body that feels like a tightly coiled spring who leaves class to offer love and increase the amount of happiness in the world, than an uber flexy-bendy creature with a gorgeous practice who treats the people in his or her world like reptilian servants.          Ja?! JA :)

 Viva la Yoga!